Goodbye 2018!

So long 2018!

Never in my life have I ever been so thankful for a year to end. 2018 was by far the hardest, most painful year we have ever experienced as a family. I have felt pain, many different types and different levels of pain throughout my life. Yet 2018 brought pains in ways that I have never felt, and to be quite frank, I hope I don’t ever have to feel again.

2018 was a year filled with sadness, depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, hopelessness and fear, changes in relationships, along with another kiddo leaving the house, and hurts that were unimaginable, not to mention the amount of issues we were experiencing with our vehicles.

I knew that I could not change what was going on externally. The things going on with my family, the church, and with friends, even with our cars, were all out of my control. I would like to say that I was able to control the things that were going on inside of me, and I can say “yes I could” to some of it, but unfortunately not all. I wish that I could say that I was able to handle everything that was hitting me throughout the year with mercy and grace, kindness and gentleness, and without losing my witness. It is with great regret that I have to say that none of that held true. I lost my witness, numerous times. Jealousy reared its ugly head more times than I care to count. Anger was a constant for me. Those who know me, know that I don’t cuss, but I sure slipped up in my fits of anger and let the words come flying out. I personally did a lot of damage to those around me because of how bad I was hurting. The adage of hurting people hurt people held true. I hate that I hurt so many around me.

I struggled with being a pastor’s wife, a mom to 3 kids in 3 different phases of life, a friend, and an employee. I struggled trying to hold on to the little glimmers of hope that I had, of not knowing how, or even if, I fit in. I struggled with feeling loved at home, at church, and with my friends. I have struggled with these things in past, just not on the same level. I struggled trying to hold on to the simple truths, to keep my head above water. My faith in the Lord never wavered. I did struggle with staying consistent in my Bible reading and in enjoying church. I did not struggle with praying and worshiping God at home. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that God had me. I knew that He knew before I was born that I would be going through everything that I was going through. He knew how I would respond to everything. He knew that if it weren’t for my faith in Him that I wouldn’t have survived. He also knew that I would give Him the glory for the way things turned out, that I would testify about how He saved me from myself and carried me through the horrible season I was in during 2018.

Yes, the majority of 2018 sucked greatly bad. However, not all of it sucked. Many things went well. When I sit back and reflect on 2018, I see great things that happened. My relationship with my husband grew so much stronger over the year (it is amazing how God works during the hard times to draw you closer to your spouse). God saved me from myself and gave my doctor the wisdom needed to help me with my depression and anxiety (my depression and anxiety were due to a chemical imbalance in my brain and with the help of medication I am in a much better place). My husband and I celebrated 25 years of marriage in July. Old friendships were renewed, new friendships were made. We were able to travel and get away for an extended amount of time to help heal our hearts, souls, and minds. Great things happened with my job. Hope was found again.

There were so many good things that happened, and God was in the midst of it. A single verse and a passage of Scripture carried me through the year. They are not new to me. Romans 15:13 states “Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you believe so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit”. The passage of Scripture speaks directly to my favorite topic, which is testimonies. 1 Peter 3:14-17 “But even if you should suffer for righteousness, you are blessed. Do not fear what they fear or be intimidated, but in your hearts regard Christ the Lord as holy, ready at any time to give a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you. Yet do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that when you are accused, those who disparage your good conduct in Christ will be put to shame. For it is better to suffer for doing good, if that should be God’s will, than for doing evil”. God gave me hope throughout 2018 because He is the God of hope. He knew that I was going to need Him. He also placed the right people in my life to pray for me so that I would remember the hope that I have in Him. God knew everything that I would be going through, and He knew the outcome of my situations. This allowed me to know that everything that I was going through would be used for His glory.

There are so many people that are struggling with mental health issues and they don’t want to talk about them because of the stigma that surrounds them. Being called to be transparent is extremely hard, especially being a pastor’s wife. I won’t go into the graphic details of what was going on inside my head throughout 2018. However, I will share that it was U.G.L.Y. No one should ever have the thoughts I was having, but we do. I’m no different from you. I struggle with not having pure thoughts. I struggle with suicidal thoughts and crazy high anxiety. I am on medication to help with that. Again, this is not my first rodeo with meds for mental illness. I know that God heals. I have seen it happen. I have the faith that He will heal me but until He chooses to do so, I will take the medication prescribed to me and I will take it faithfully. God gave my doctor the smarts to be a doctor and know how to treat my issues. Moral of the story and to give a small glimmer of hope to those of you who are reading this, is this: God is good, and He is faithful. He knows exactly what is going on with us even when we do not. He has given doctors the ability to help us when we need it. Don’t be afraid to speak out about your battle with mental health. Don’t be worried about being judged by people. They are not walking in your shoes, battling your battle.

No matter who you are, stay at home mom, a CEO of a corporation, a construction worker, a waitress, or a pastor’s wife, mental illness can affect you. Please know that you are not alone. Please know that you are wanted, needed, loved, and appreciated.

2018 does not define me. 2018 made me a heck of a lot stronger because of everything that I went through. I didn’t lose my identity in the midst of the year, although Satan was really hoping that I would. I didn’t carry out the suicidal plans that I had made. I didn’t lose the battle with mental illness. I didn’t lose faith in humanity (even though I was close). I won the battles because of Christ and Christ alone!