Hello 2019

2019: the year of living Loved

Loved.

I have been given the word “loved” for 2019. It is something that I am fighting to truly know and understand. What does it mean to be loved? What does it mean to truly understand love? How do we know we are loved? Who loves us and how do we know that they truly do?

Being loved and knowing that I am truly loved is something that I have struggled with my entire life. It is something that has eluded me until the last few years but still struggle with because of my past. I know that my past does not define me, but it has molded and shaped me into who I am today.

I, just like you, am human. As humans, we are completely fallible and the mistakes that we have made tend to replay over and over in our minds. The hurts that others have caused us are hurts that stick with us and are hard for us to overcome. Words that are spoken to us and over us lead us to believe that that is who we are. Hurts we have caused others and words that we have said, replay in our heads, wishing we could take them back.

Growing up, I had many things spoken over me and to me. I struggled with who I was. My life circumstances caused me to fight with feeling loved. I had so many questions I wanted to ask. Things haven’t changed. Those words still haunt me. The things that happened to me can’t be undone. The questions will never be answered. The only thing that has changed is me.

I have changed.

I am still Christina. The Christina that God knew before I was formed in the womb. The same Christina that God was with, and is still with, in the midst of this crazy thing called my life. The same Christina that God has called to Himself. The same person He is working on continuously to refine and mold into who I am in Him, not who the world says I am.

I learned a long time ago that I will be disappointed by people and that I will disappoint them. That I will have people hurt me and not care that they did. That I have hurt people and not cared. I have had people in my life leave me and there have been people in my life that I have left. That the love of humans will never fully satisfy me.

Not until the last few months have I overcome some of these. This past year taught me many valuable lessons. I learned is that no matter what happens, I will never ever be alone. That I will always be wanted. I will always have a place to express my frustrations, my anger, my hurt, and my pain. I will always be comforted when I need it. But the most important one is that I will always be loved. The only thing is, I have learned that these things will not come from people, but from God alone.

When no one is around and I feel lonely, I am loved. When people in my life make mistakes that cut me deeply and hurt like crap, I am loved. When I mess up as a mom and wife and feel unworthy, I am still loved. When things don’t go like I had planned and I feel overwhelmed, I am still loved. When I am fearful and don’t understand what is going on, I am loved. When I deal with sudden onset anxiety that presents in anger and am immediately regretful, I am still loved. Knowing that God loves me, no matter what, has helped me tremendously.

The thing that I am looking forward to in 2019 is living loved. My prayer is that in living loved I will be able to love more. To love freely, wholeheartedly and to fall back in love with the things of God that I have fallen out of love with.