Legacy

July is a tough month to say the least.

While it is a month of birth (my daughter Peyton) and anniversary (celebrating our 26th year of marriage), it is also a month of death and sadness.

This time 14 years ago I found myself in the same position that I found myself today. 14 years ago, on July 3rd, we celebrated my biological fathers 53rd birthday. 14 years ago, on July 4th, the phone rang to tell me that the father, whose birthday we celebrated a day before, was gone. He passed away sometime in the night/early morning.

This year on July 3rd we learned that it was only a little while longer that my husbands step-dad would be with us. This year on July 4th we learned that he had passed away.

Today, July 12th 2019 I found myself sitting in the same position I found myself sitting in 14 years earlier. Sitting on the front row for a memorial service. My heart broke today, just like it did then. My heart hurt so bad for my step-mom in 2005 and today it hurts for my mother-in-law.

Being a person who has been surrounded by death her entire life, you would think that I would be used to it or that it wouldn’t bother me like it did before. Well, I’m not used to it. It still hurts and it hurts as much now as it did the first time around.

Why?

Why does it hurt as much now as it did then? I truly can’t answer that. I can guess why but I don’t know why.

For me, death has been a “normal” part of life from the time I was almost 4 years old. For me, death still hurts now as much as it did back then because I have a ton of unanswered questions. The biggest question that haunts me is, where is my mom? Is she in heaven or is she spending eternity in hell? I have that same question about my paternal grandmother and grandfather, and few of my friends. Others that have been in my life that have passed away, I don’t have any questions. I know where they are. Their lives and their testimonies reflect that.

I have the same questions that others have, however, I don’t dwell on them. I would love to know why my friends and family members were taken away from me when they were. I would love to know what life would have been like had they lived. Those questions no longer haunt me. They no longer have a hold on me because I know that God is not the god of “what ifs” but He is the I AM. There is no reason for me to question those things.

Our lives are important. Our lives are valuable. Our lives make a difference in the world around us rather we know it or not. Think about it. Go back to a time where you lost a friend or loved one. Think about what you loved about them. About what a difference in your life they made, whether good or bad. About how they interacted with the world around them. Did they love or hate? Did they smile a lot? Did they serve in their community or stay to themselves? Did they speak curses or blessings? Could you depend on them or were they flaky? Did they ever share their testimony with you or anyone around you? Can you look back on their life and see Christ through them? The answers to these questions are all the ways that they influenced you and others in their lives.

I want to make an impact on those around me in a good way, not a negative way. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I have hurt people around me. I know that I have let people down and I have pushed people away. I have not always been a good example to others either. However, God is still working on me. After all, I am human and humans screw things up. For those that I have hurt, let down, and pushed away, I’m sorry. Please forgive me. For those that I mistreated, or offended, or did wrong, I’m sorry. Please forgive me.

I know that if it were not for Christ, and the many faithful saints before me, I would not have made it this far in life. That has spurred me on to want to be a better person. A person, who at the end of my life, people know without a shadow of a doubt that I was a Christ follower. I don’t want them to question whether I am in heaven or hell. I want them to know I am in heaven. I want them to look back on my life and only see Jesus, not me. I want them to remember that because of Jesus I was kind, generous, loving, and hospitable. This is what drives me every day. I don’t want to leave a legacy of pain, strife, hatred or bitterness behind. I want to leave a legacy that will change lives yet to come because of the work of Christ in me.

So, wherever you are today, step back and objectively look at your life. Think about how it has gone and how it is now going. Think about the way that you treat people around you and the way that you think about those in your community. Are you treating people the way that you would like to be treated? Are you thinking of ways to cause trouble or forming new ideas to help keep people out of trouble? Are you a Christ follower? Do you know what it means to be a Christ follower? If you can’t answer these questions, feel free to ask me or anyone around you who knows Christ, what this means. I don’t want people to say that I never told them about the mighty work of Christ. It is my responsibility as a Christian to do so and I take that charge seriously. So, if you have any questions or concerns, please don’t hesitate to contact me.