October 20th, a day that I will never forget.
Why will I never forget that day? Because what happened that day changed my life. It changed the way I look at things, the way that I process things, and the way that I think about my future.
I had an appointment that day for something that I had been planning for a bit.
I went in and waited for my name to be called. After what seemed like an eternity, they finally called it. I followed the person to the office that my appointment was to take place in. I sat down on one side of the desk while someone else sat on the other side of it. There was a computer screen separating us. I sat there as the person talked. I didn’t hear a word the person was saying. What did I hear? I heard Charlie Brown’s teachers voice. You know what I’m talking about (just in case you don’t, here is a link to hear it – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q_BU5hR9gXE). I would nod my head and say ok from time to time, just enough to give the appearance that I was paying attention. When I heard them ask if I had any questions, I simply said no and scheduled another appointment. I walked out of that office and drove the 20 minutes home. Alone. In silence.
I had 48 hours to sit at home and think about what was going to happen at the end of that time. I didn’t sleep. I was constantly thinking, wondering, worrying, crying, and getting angry. I fought with myself. I tried to fill the time with movies, and coloring. I watched the sun set, then rise again, then set, and rise again. When the sun rose that last day, there were only a few hours left until my life would change dramatically. The ride to my appointment was hands down the longest yet fastest ride ever. I checked in and again waited for my name to be called. Finally, it was called. I got up and followed a woman to another room. There, I was handed a gown and told to change into it. I changed and waited again. Then something strange happened. As I was sitting in that room, God distinctly said to me “get down, get dressed, and leave”. It was clear as day and unmistakable. I didn’t listen. The woman came and got me to take me to another room. I walked in the room and was instructed to lay down on the table. The nurse left and I was left to lay on the table all by myself. Again, while on the table in this room, God said the same thing to me again, “get down, get dressed, and leave”. I chose to ignore Him. He said it to me one more time and I ignored Him again. I stayed on that table and waited. During that time, I looked around the room. I noticed the ultrasound machine, the tray with the instruments on it, the door at the foot of the table, and the poster of Hawaii that was strategically placed on the ceiling of the room.
Then I heard the door behind me open. A “nurse” walked into the room and stayed at the head of the table. This was followed by the opening of the door at the foot of the table. A “doctor” walked through that door. His face was covered the entire time, you could only see his eyes. He never said a word to me. The nurse told me to put my feet into the stirrups. I positioned myself on that table the way that I was instructed to. This was followed up by her describing what the doctor was doing. She told me to focus on the poster and that I would feel him place an instrument in me to open me up, followed by the insertion of a “rod” to open my cervix. Let me tell you, nothing and I mean nothing, had prepared me for what I was feeling at that moment. The pain that I was experiencing at that moment was unbearable. The sounds, oh my word the sounds, that were being made by the machine were awful. The nurse stayed by my head and kept telling me to “focus on the poster”, “that I was doing a good job”, “he’s almost done”, and “breathe”. I did what she said. It didn’t help me. I couldn’t focus on the poster and I wasn’t doing a good job. I was trying to breathe through my tears. The one thing that she was right about was that he was almost done.
Once he was done, he got up and left the room the same way that he had entered it. Never saying anything. After laying there for a couple of minutes, the nurse had me sit up on the edge of the table for a couple of more minutes. While sitting on the edge of that table I looked around the room again. I looked at the door the doctor came and went through. I saw the ultrasound machine again (this time in a different light), and then the tray with the instruments on it. When I saw that tray, my stomach turned and the reality of what I had just done smacked me hard. Those instruments were no longer silver, they were stained red, with blood. I quickly turned away. I was so ridden with guilt and shame at that moment. I couldn’t believe what I had just done. The nurse then led me to another room.
I will never forget this room.
It was a room of recliners. In a circle. With other women sitting in them. Women that had just done the same thing that I had done. Women who were laughing and planning and talking about what they were going to do when they left there. I sat down in one of the recliners and simply watched and listened to what was going on around me. I didn’t say anything. I just sat there, with tears streaming down my face, listening and watching. When my allotted time was up, I was instructed to go pee and then led back to the room where my clothes were so that I could change back into them and leave.
I cannot tell you how long I was there. I cannot tell you the names of anyone that was there. I don’t remember their faces. I do however remember the sights, sounds, and smells of that day. I do remember the anxiousness that I felt walking in there that day. I do remember the hopelessness and fear that I walked out of there with. I do remember the thoughts I was having, the loneliness I was feeling, and the hurt that started that day.
The days I just described were not October 20-22, 2018. The days that I described were October 20-22, 1992. Yes. That’s correct. 27 years ago. 27 years ago, I had an abortion.
I was 19 years old. I was raised in the church. I knew from the tips of my toes to the top of my head that abortion was wrong. I had also said that I would never have one. Yet when the situation presented itself, I did. I am not proud of this decision. I have made some bad decisions in my life, but I can tell you that this decision single-handedly destroyed me. I had shattered my own dreams. I had gone through with something that I never wanted to do because I selfish.
Why am I sharing this with you now? I’m sharing it because it’s time. It’s time for women who have had abortions and know the harm that it does to us mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, to stand for life. It’s time for us as Christians, who have had one to heal from this hurt, to learn that we did not commit the one unpardonable sin, that we are still God’s children and that He can forgive and redeem us. I’m sharing it because I’m freaking sick and tired of living in a hopeless world that celebrates the demise of others. Not just the baby but the mothers as well. It’s time for those of us who have always been pro-life but found ourselves in less than desirable situations to share our stories. It’s time for those of us who have been healed and have experienced the freedom of God to offer the hope that we now have with others so that they may be able to find that same hope as well!
Life is full of choices. We have to make choices every. single. day. of. our. life. I want to challenge you to think about the choices you have made in your life and how they affect you. Think about how you would react if you knew the stories of those around you.
One thing that God has called me to is transparency. Do you have any idea how hard it is to be transparent in todays world? Now, tell me, do you have any idea how hard it is to be transparent as a pastor’s wife in today’s world? Well this is me being transparent. Take it or leave it. Hate me or love me. I’m going to be obedient. If this post offends you, I’m so sorry. If this post causes you to hate me, then so be it. If this post causes you to sit back and reflect on an abortion decision you have made in your life, and you are ready to heal from that decision and gain freedom from the hold that it has on you, please reach out. I have resources that I can point you to.
I am not your typical pastor’s wife. I am Christina, first and foremost a child of God. I am a woman who has made, is making, and will continue to make mistakes. I, just like you have a story, one that is ugly, riddled with times of happiness, sadness, anger, frustrations, mistakes, and successes. I don’t hide who I am. My life is an open book, one that is to be read.
My hope is that by sharing my story it lets you to know my heart and the reason that I work where I work and why I do what I do. I hope that by sharing my story, you will see that there is hope and that you can have that hope as well. I hope it allows you to see the redemption of God in my life.
Just to clarify I am Pro-Life.
I believe that every single life is important.
I believe that we are ALL created in God’s image.
I believe that we are to give a voice to the voiceless, the babies that moms are pregnant with and considering abortion AND the moms who have had an abortion in their past and are carrying around the weight of the shame, guilt, fear, and sadness of what they have done.
I believe that we are ALL called to love God and love others.
I believe that we are all called to live loved!
Not Your Typical Pastors Wife 