I am more than just the Earn As You Learn program director for the center.
I was first a client. Not a pregnancy test and counseling client, but a post-abortion woman who needed to find the healing that God has to offer and to know that I had not committed the one unpardonable sin. That even though I chose to have an abortion that I was still loved, valued, important, and deserving to live.
Friday, June 24th, 2022 was a day in history that many are saddened, angered, frustrated by while others are rejoicing and declaring that it is an answer to prayer.
I found myself with such an insane amount of emotion that day. I was happy, sad, terrified, mortified, frustrated, confused, and burdened all at the same time. I was taken back to before my abortion and the emotions that I felt finding out that I was pregnant and not knowing what to do. I had a boyfriend who was telling me that he was not ready for a baby and to abort. I had a mom who was supportive of that decision. I had brought shame to my family for getting pregnant before marriage. There was so much going on at that time and it was so confusing. I remember the thoughts going through my head of “if I just commit suicide now everything will go away. No one will know that I was pregnant, and I wouldn’t bring any further shame to my family. I won’t be missed anyway.” Then my mind went to “well what if I just runaway and have the baby. My boyfriend won’t have to know where I am or what happened with the baby. I could just raise her on my own.” It then drifted to “I’ll just give the baby up for adoption. I’ll have her, send her on her way with an adoptive family and never think of her again.” I poked holes in each one of these theories. If I committed suicide I would leave behind my brother, my nieces, and the few friends I had. I would miss out on so much that I truly wasn’t ready to miss out on. Running away wasn’t an option because I didn’t know any where I could run to. I was only 19 and the only job I had held at that point was Wal-Mart. I couldn’t support myself and a baby working at Wal-Mart! I was “adopted” by my great aunt and uncle. I knew the things that I had gone through, and I didn’t want my child to go through those same things and when you give a child up for adoption you don’t know what they are headed into.
I was so against abortion. I truly didn’t want to have one. I also didn’t want to be dumped by the man I loved. I didn’t want to be know as the child that brought shame on the family. So, against all of my heart, I decided to have an abortion.
I called Planned Parenthood in Nashville and set up an appointment. At the time there was a 48-hour waiting period for an abortion. You went in for your initial appointment, then you scheduled the appointment for the abortion 48 hours later.
I went in for the initial appointment. My heart was already hardened, and my mind was already made up. At that point, nothing said to me would change my mind. I completed the intake paperwork and was called back to a room. I sat across the desk from the “counselor” and the only thing that I heard was Charlie Brown’s teacher. You know what I’m talking about, the wah-wahwahwah-wah. That is all I heard. I knew how far along I was in the pregnancy, and I knew that time was running out. I was 11 weeks 4 days along. I only had 3 more days to have the abortion before I would no longer be eligible.
Let that sink in, 11 weeks 4 days along all because I was in such a desperate state that I couldn’t even think straight.
I went home that morning and tried everything to get my mind off of what was going to happen in 48 hours. I watched movies, worked, and played video games. I didn’t sleep. I cried. I got angry at everyone around me and myself. I tried to rationalize my decision. Nothing worked. Nothing could get my mind off of what I was fixing to do.
October 22, 1992. A day that is burned into my mind. A day I will never forget. My mom and I stopped at the ATM and got the money. I drove her to the clinic. She came in and waited in the waiting room with me. I waited for my name to be called. When they called my name, I was walked back to the changing area. There was a locker for my belongings to go in while the procedure was taking place. I changed into the gown that was given to me and waited for them to take me to the procedure room.
While I was waiting, I remember hearing “get down, get dressed, and leave.”
I didn’t.
They came and got me. We walked a short distance to the procedure room. Here I was instructed to lay down on the table and wait for the doctor. I laid down and immediately heard, “get down, get dressed, and leave.”
I didn’t.
The nurse came in the room and stood by my head. There was a poster of Hawaii on the ceiling that she told me to focus on, so I did. Again I heard “get down, get dressed, and leave.”
I didn’t.
Next the doctor came in. He came in through a door at my feet. He never said a word. The nurse was the one who spoke. She told me when he was going to give me the shot on my cervix (this was the only pain blocker made available to me). She then told me when he would insert the tool used to dilate my cervix enough for the instruments to be inserted. She said it wouldn’t hurt.
She lied.
The nurse kept telling me that I was doing a good job. To keep looking at the poster and breathe, that it would all be over soon.
She lied.
The doctor inserted the instruments and turned the machine on. Oh, that machine and the awful sound it made. I will never forget that sound. I will never forget that smell. I will never forget the stupid Hawaii poster.
She continued to tell me that I was doing a good job.
She lied.
The doctor turned the machine off, got up off of the stool, and walked right back out the door he came through. The nurse had me sit up on the side of the bed for a moment. In that moment I was sights that I should have never seen. I saw the bloodied instruments and the ultrasound machine he used. I will never forget those images. Ever. When I was ready the nurse led me to a room that had several recliners in it. There were lots of women there. We all had just had abortions. However, we were all handling it differently. There was one woman talking about what she was going to do after she left there. There was another woman giggling. Some of us were sitting silently. Some of us were crying. We sat there for a designated time then we were allowed to change and leave.
I got my mom and we went home. She drove. We didn’t say a word.
It was over and done with. No biggie. Problem solved.
Biggest lie ever told! Problem solved.
The amount of collateral damage that happened following my abortion is insane. I can’t even begin to explain to you the depths of my depression, the amount of regret, shame and secrecy I had to live with. All while trying to process through what had happened, trying to hold it together for my boyfriend and family. Relationships suffered. Mental health declined. Fear set in. I was just a shell of a person following these events.
Let’s not even talk about the due date or Mother’s Day.
Fast forward 7 months and I find myself in the same shoes. Pregnant again by the same boyfriend. This time things happened differently. He proposed. We got married in July of 1993 and in February 1994 we welcomed our son. Six years go by and in July of 1999, we welcome our daughter. Then another 3 and a half years go by, and we found out we were expecting again. However, this pregnancy was not like my others.
My husband and I went in for a dating ultrasound. The tech started the ultrasound and not too far into it her face changed. She was now solemn and said that she needed to get a doctor. They would not let us see the monitor nor would they tell us what was going on. They said that they would send the results to my doctor and that his office would call me. A day later, the doctor himself called me and said that they did not find a heartbeat. There was an embryonic sac, but no heartbeat was detected. He informed me that I would need to come to his office the next day for lab work and then 48 hours after that appointment, for more lab work. I went to his office, and he explained to me that they were checking my HCG levels. The HCG levels of a viable pregnancy should steadily be going up. If the pregnancy was not viable my HCG levels would go down in those 48 hours. They got my numbers from the first test and then they got the numbers from my second test. Unfortunately, my HCG levels plummeted. I had what was called a blighted ovum. For those of you who do not know what that is, here is the definition: A condition that occurs when a gestational sac develops without an embryo. Our world was shattered. He said that he could do a D&C to remove the sac and clean up the uterus. We scheduled it for a few days later. For those that do not know, a D&C is essentially a surgical abortion (remember my abortion story). For the second time in my life, I had a D&C. The difference this time was that there was never a baby formed in my womb. This time I would be put to sleep and would feel no physical pain. Only the pain of the loss when I woke up.
Had I not had the D&C when I did, I would have eventually miscarried that pregnancy. I would have had to of gone through the physical pain and suffering of knowing that my body failed me, that it had teased me with a pregnancy that was never viable. It had made us think that we would be welcoming another sweet soul into our family. The thing with a pregnancy like that is that you never know when you will miscarry. It could be early on, or it could be later. I did not want to go through that pain if I did not have to.
It took a very long time for me to get over that loss. A very long time.
Three years later, we decided to try to have another baby. (There is a great story behind that, but I will save it for another time.) We were blessed with a pregnancy pretty quickly, but I was petrified. What if the same thing happened? What if something happens to the baby? What if something happens to me? There were so many what ifs with that pregnancy that I was a hot mess the entire pregnancy. However, in March of 2006 we welcomed our last child, another daughter.
I share all of these experiences with you all to let you know that I have been in the same shoes many of you have been or are in at the moment. Our circumstances and stories are different but similar. I do what I do because I love everyone.
I want to see the brokenhearted healed.
I want to see the captive set free.
I want to see those that are lost saved.
I want you to know that you are more than a decision that was made.
I want you to know that you are more that a law that was put into place or reversed.
No matter what your decision is in your life, your life matters.
I am pro
I am more than just the Earn As You Learn program director for the center. I was first a client. Not a pregnancy test and counseling client, but a post-abortion woman client who needed to find the healing that God has to offer and to know that I had not committed the one unpardonable sin. That even though I chose to have an abortion that I was still loved, valued, important, and deserving to live.
Friday, June 24th, 2022 was a day in history that many are saddened, angered, frustrated by while others are rejoicing and declaring that it is an answer to prayer.
I found myself with such an insane amount of emotion that day. I was happy, sad, mortified, frustrated, confused, and burdened all at the same time. I was taken back to before my abortion and the emotions that I felt finding out that I was pregnant and not knowing what to do. I had a boyfriend who was telling me that he was not ready for a baby and to abort. I had a mom who was supportive of that decision. I had brought shame to my family for getting pregnant before marriage. There was so much going on at that time and it was so confusing. I remember the thoughts going through my head of “if I just commit suicide now everything will go away. No one will know that I was pregnant, and I wouldn’t bring any further shame to my family. I won’t be missed anyway.” Then my mind went to “well what if I just runaway and have the baby. My boyfriend won’t have to know where I am or what happened with the baby. I could just raise her on my own.” It then drifted to “I’ll just give the baby up for adoption. I’ll have her, send her on her way with an adoptive family and never think of her again.” I poked holes in each one of these theories. If I committed suicide I would leave behind my brother, my nieces, and the few friends I had. I would miss out on so much that I truly wasn’t ready to miss out on. Running away wasn’t an option because I didn’t know any where I could run to. I was only 19 and the only job I had held at that point was Wal-Mart. I couldn’t support myself and a baby working at Wal-Mart! I was “adopted” by my great aunt and uncle. I knew the things that I had gone through, and I didn’t want my child to go through those same things and when you give a child up for adoption you don’t know what they are headed into.
I was so against abortion. I truly didn’t want to have one. I also didn’t want to be dumped by the man I loved. I didn’t want to be know as the child that brought shame on the family. So, against all of my heart, I decided to have an abortion.
I called Planned Parenthood in Nashville and set up an appointment. At the time there was a 48-hour waiting period for an abortion. You went in for your initial appointment, then you scheduled the appointment for the abortion 48 hours later.
I went in for the initial appointment. My heart was already hardened, and my mind was already made up. At that point, nothing said to me would change my mind. I completed the intake paperwork and was called back to a room. I sat across the desk from the “counselor” and the only thing that I heard was Charlie Brown’s teacher. You know what I’m talking about, the wah-wahwahwah-wah. That is all I heard. I knew how far along I was in the pregnancy, and I knew that time was running out. I was 11 weeks 4 days along. I only had 3 more days to have the abortion before I would no longer be eligible.
Let that sink in, 11 weeks 4 days along all because I was in such a desperate state that I couldn’t even think straight.
I went home that morning and tried everything to get my mind off of what was going to happen in 48 hours. I watched movies, worked, and played video games. I didn’t sleep. I cried. I got angry at everyone around me and myself. I tried to rationalize my decision. Nothing worked. Nothing could get my mind off of what I was fixing to do.
October 22, 1992. A day that is burned into my mind. A day I will never forget. My mom and I stopped at the ATM and got the money. I drove her to the clinic. She came in and waited in the waiting room with me. I waited for my name to be called. When they called my name, I was walked back to the changing area. There was a locker for my belongings to go in while the procedure was taking place. I changed into the gown that was given to me and waited for them to take me to the procedure room.
While I was waiting, I remember hearing “get down, get dressed, and leave.”
I didn’t.
They came and got me. We walked a short distance to the procedure room. Here I was instructed to lay down on the table and wait for the doctor. I laid down and immediately heard, “get down, get dressed, and leave.”
I didn’t.
The nurse came in the room and stood by my head. There was a poster of Hawaii on the ceiling that she told me to focus on, so I did. Again I heard “get down, get dressed, and leave.”
I didn’t.
Next the doctor came in. He came in through a door at my feet. He never said a word. The nurse was the one who spoke. She told me when he was going to give me the shot on my cervix (this was the only pain blocker made available to me). She then told me when he would insert the tool used to dilate my cervix enough for the instruments to be inserted. She said it wouldn’t hurt.
She lied.
The nurse kept telling me that I was doing a good job. To keep looking at the poster and breathe, that it would all be over soon.
She lied.
The doctor inserted the instruments and turned the machine on. Oh, that machine and the awful sound it made. I will never forget that sound. I will never forget that smell. I will never forget the stupid Hawaii poster.
She continued to tell me that I was doing a good job.
She lied.
The doctor turned the machine off, got up off of the stool, and walked right back out the door he came through. The nurse had me sit up on the side of the bed for a moment. In that moment I was sights that I should have never seen. I saw the bloodied instruments and the ultrasound machine he used. I will never forget those images. Ever. When I was ready the nurse led me to a room that had several recliners in it. There were lots of women there. We all had just had abortions. However, we were all handling it differently. There was one woman talking about what she was going to do after she left there. There was another woman giggling. Some of us were sitting silently. Some of us were crying. We sat there for a designated time then we were allowed to change and leave.
I got my mom and we went home. She drove. We didn’t say a word.
It was over and done with. No biggie. Problem solved.
Biggest lie ever told! Problem solved.
The amount of collateral damage that happened following my abortion is insane. I can’t even begin to explain to you the depths of my depression, the amount of regret, shame and secrecy I had to live with. All while trying to process through what had happened, trying to hold it together for my boyfriend and family. Relationships suffered. Mental health declined. Fear set in. I was just a shell of a person following these events.
Let’s not even talk about the due date or Mother’s Day.
Fast forward 7 months and I find myself in the same shoes. Pregnant again by the same boyfriend. This time things happened differently. He proposed. We got married in July of 1993 and in February 1994 we welcomed our son. Six years go by and in July of 1999, we welcome our daughter. Then another 3 and a half years go by, and we found out we were expecting again. However, this pregnancy was not like my others.
My husband and I went in for a dating ultrasound. The tech started the ultrasound and not too far into it her face changed. She was now solemn and said that she needed to get a doctor. They would not let us see the monitor nor would they tell us what was going on. They said that they would send the results to my doctor and that his office would call me. A day later, the doctor himself called me and said that they did not find a heartbeat. There was an embryonic sac, but no heartbeat was detected. He informed me that I would need to come to his office the next day for lab work and then 48 hours after that appointment, for more lab work. I went to his office, and he explained to me that they were checking my HCG levels. The HCG levels of a viable pregnancy should steadily be going up. If the pregnancy was not viable my HCG levels would go down in those 48 hours. They got my numbers from the first test and then they got the numbers from my second test. Unfortunately, my HCG levels plummeted. I had what was called a blighted ovum. For those of you who do not know what that is, here is the definition: A condition that occurs when a gestational sac develops without an embryo. Our world was shattered. He said that he could do a D&C to remove the sac and clean up the uterus. We scheduled it for a few days later. For those that do not know, a D&C is essentially a surgical abortion (remember my abortion story). For the second time in my life, I had a D&C. The difference this time was that there was never a baby formed in my womb. This time I would be put to sleep and would feel no physical pain. Only the pain of the loss when I woke up.
Had I not had the D&C when I did, I would have eventually miscarried that pregnancy. I would have had to of gone through the physical pain and suffering of knowing that my body failed me, that it had teased me with a pregnancy that was never viable. It had made us think that we would be welcoming another sweet soul into our family. The thing with a pregnancy like that is that you never know when you will miscarry. It could be early on, or it could be later. I did not want to go through that pain if I did not have to.
It took a very long time for me to get over that loss. A very long time.
Three years later, we decided to try to have another baby. (There is a great story behind that, but I will save it for another time.) We were blessed with a pregnancy pretty quickly, but I was petrified. What if the same thing happened? What if something happens to the baby? What if something happens to me? There were so many what ifs with that pregnancy that I was a hot mess the entire pregnancy. However, in March of 2006 we welcomed our last child, another daughter.
I share all of these experiences with you all to let you know that I have been in the same shoes many of you have been or are in at the moment. Our circumstances and stories are different but similar. I do what I do because I love everyone.
I want to see the brokenhearted healed.
I want to see the captive set free.
I want to see those that are lost saved.
I want you to know that you are more than a decision that was made.
I want you to know that you are more that a law that was put into place or reversed.
No matter what your decision is in your life, your life matters.
I am pro-life (pro-baby and pro-mom)!
Not Your Typical Pastors Wife 