July is a tough month to say the least.

While it is a month of birth (my daughter Peyton) and anniversary (celebrating our 26th year of marriage), it is also a month of death and sadness.

This time 14 years ago I found myself in the same position that I found myself today. 14 years ago, on July 3rd, we celebrated my biological fathers 53rd birthday. 14 years ago, on July 4th, the phone rang to tell me that the father, whose birthday we celebrated a day before, was gone. He passed away sometime in the night/early morning.

This year on July 3rd we learned that it was only a little while longer that my husbands step-dad would be with us. This year on July 4th we learned that he had passed away.

Today, July 12th 2019 I found myself sitting in the same position I found myself sitting in 14 years earlier. Sitting on the front row for a memorial service. My heart broke today, just like it did then. My heart hurt so bad for my step-mom in 2005 and today it hurts for my mother-in-law.

Being a person who has been surrounded by death her entire life, you would think that I would be used to it or that it wouldn’t bother me like it did before. Well, I’m not used to it. It still hurts and it hurts as much now as it did the first time around.

Why?

Why does it hurt as much now as it did then? I truly can’t answer that. I can guess why but I don’t know why.

For me, death has been a “normal” part of life from the time I was almost 4 years old. For me, death still hurts now as much as it did back then because I have a ton of unanswered questions. The biggest question that haunts me is, where is my mom? Is she in heaven or is she spending eternity in hell? I have that same question about my paternal grandmother and grandfather, and few of my friends. Others that have been in my life that have passed away, I don’t have any questions. I know where they are. Their lives and their testimonies reflect that.

I have the same questions that others have, however, I don’t dwell on them. I would love to know why my friends and family members were taken away from me when they were. I would love to know what life would have been like had they lived. Those questions no longer haunt me. They no longer have a hold on me because I know that God is not the god of “what ifs” but He is the I AM. There is no reason for me to question those things.

Our lives are important. Our lives are valuable. Our lives make a difference in the world around us rather we know it or not. Think about it. Go back to a time where you lost a friend or loved one. Think about what you loved about them. About what a difference in your life they made, whether good or bad. About how they interacted with the world around them. Did they love or hate? Did they smile a lot? Did they serve in their community or stay to themselves? Did they speak curses or blessings? Could you depend on them or were they flaky? Did they ever share their testimony with you or anyone around you? Can you look back on their life and see Christ through them? The answers to these questions are all the ways that they influenced you and others in their lives.

I want to make an impact on those around me in a good way, not a negative way. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I have hurt people around me. I know that I have let people down and I have pushed people away. I have not always been a good example to others either. However, God is still working on me. After all, I am human and humans screw things up. For those that I have hurt, let down, and pushed away, I’m sorry. Please forgive me. For those that I mistreated, or offended, or did wrong, I’m sorry. Please forgive me.

I know that if it were not for Christ, and the many faithful saints before me, I would not have made it this far in life. That has spurred me on to want to be a better person. A person, who at the end of my life, people know without a shadow of a doubt that I was a Christ follower. I don’t want them to question whether I am in heaven or hell. I want them to know I am in heaven. I want them to look back on my life and only see Jesus, not me. I want them to remember that because of Jesus I was kind, generous, loving, and hospitable. This is what drives me every day. I don’t want to leave a legacy of pain, strife, hatred or bitterness behind. I want to leave a legacy that will change lives yet to come because of the work of Christ in me.

So, wherever you are today, step back and objectively look at your life. Think about how it has gone and how it is now going. Think about the way that you treat people around you and the way that you think about those in your community. Are you treating people the way that you would like to be treated? Are you thinking of ways to cause trouble or forming new ideas to help keep people out of trouble? Are you a Christ follower? Do you know what it means to be a Christ follower? If you can’t answer these questions, feel free to ask me or anyone around you who knows Christ, what this means. I don’t want people to say that I never told them about the mighty work of Christ. It is my responsibility as a Christian to do so and I take that charge seriously. So, if you have any questions or concerns, please don’t hesitate to contact me.

I have been reading and rereading a few books of the Bible over the last several months preparing for something coming up. One of the books has been 1 Peter. It has spoken to me on many levels and always has. One of my favorite verses is 1 Peter 3:15 which states “but honor the Messiah as Lord in your hearts. Always be ready to give a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you” (HCSB). Anyone who knows me knows that I love to hear people’s stories. I love to know about their lives. I also love to share about my life with others, as God has allowed me to be bold and share about where He has brought me from and where He has called me to. I don’t want to share my story in a bragging way. I want to share the hope that I have in my life with those around me so that they may have that hope as well.

That is not the only verse that God has used out of 1 Peter this go round. There is another verse in the book that smacked me in the face, hard. You see, I have been dealing with a hard heart. One that is the result of hurts, and frustrations, and sadness. Something that has come out of that hard heart is a complaining spirit. You know what I’m talking about. I don’t complain about people, I complain about how they treat my family, the lack of respect, the lack of love, the lack of you name it. In reading through 1 Peter 4, I came upon verses 8 and 9, which read “Above all, maintain an intense love for each other, since love covers a multitude of sins. Be hospitable to one another without complaining” (HCSB). I had to reread these particular verses over and over.

What do you mean I have to love them?

And what do you mean that I have to be hospitable to them without complaining?

Why do I have to love even when I’m not loved?

Why do I have to show them respect when they don’t show it to my family?

Why do I have to treat them well even though they don’t treat my family well?

These were the questions that immediately came to mind when I got to these verses. I don’t feel like loving them. I don’t feel like respecting them. I don’t feel like treating them well. I don’t feel like being hospitable without complaining.

You all know what I’m talking about. Don’t say you don’t. We’re all human, even pastor’s wives.

Does verse 9 mean that I must be a doormat for those that don’t treat me well? Does it mean that I must “suck it up buttercup”? No, it isn’t saying that. It is saying that when we have experienced the love of Christ that we should be able to love others as Christ loved us. It is saying that should be able to forgive people for their shortcomings and that we need to not complain about the way they are treating us.

What does complaining get us? Nothing, it gets us a big, fat, nothing! Does it lift up the body? No. Does it encourage others? Heck no. Does it show respect for the other party? Absolutely not. If we are truly honest it doesn’t make us feel better. It only emphasizes the negative in people and not the good. It allows us become negative people, with hard hearts that are no fun to be around.

The season of life we are in with the church and with our family is an extremely rough one. No worries, Larry and I are doing great! However, our kids are going through all kinds of different things. They are all in rough spots, only one is in a rougher spot than the others. They are all requiring prayer but instead are getting gossiped about. The church is in a really weird spot but hopefully that will be changing soon. However, it is hard to not complain about the junk going on in life. It’s hard to not complain when your children are being talked about instead of loved. It’s hard to not complain when life is tough, and things aren’t the way they should be.

Yes, I have been complaining and even whining! Yes, I have felt that it is justified. No, that doesn’t make me right!

I was at a National Pregnancy Center Conference this past weekend in Columbus, Georgia. It was so encouraging and uplifting! I loved the teaching a lot! The heart of the pastor leading the conference was AMAZING! The teaching may have been for us that work at pregnancy centers, but it spoke to my heart as a pastor’s wife on a much deeper level.

Pastor Andy Merritt at Edgehill Baptist Church in Columbus, Georgia took us through a series of messages titled “Advancing Through the Storm”. Throughout the entire event, he gave us tools to use in our ministry, words from God that we can cling to, and talked about 6 different people from the Bible and how they were able to advance God’s kingdom through the storms they were faced with. He started out with Joseph, moved on to David, followed by Jeremiah, Nehemiah, Daniel, and finished up with Paul.

But that’s not what stood out to me. What stood out to me was how God was working on my heart in the midst of the conference. Like I said earlier, 1 Peter 4:8-9 jumped off of the page at me as I was reading it. Being told to “be hospitable to one another without complaining” stings a little. I mean who hasn’t complained. Then to come to the conference and to be told to “stop whining and start shining” on day one was like God saying “ok are you ready to listen to me now?” As if that wasn’t enough, on the final day of the conference Pastor Andy pulls out “stop complaining, start celebrating”. It was like God walked up behind me and smacked me on the back of the head and said “got it now?” I had to say yes, yes, I got you, I totally understand.

God has told me to stop complaining. Loud and clear. 3 times.

So, in the midst of this, I have decided that I will do as He has told me and stop complaining. I know that it will be hard but I’m gonna do my best to obey Him. If I cross your mind, please pray for me. If you want to ask me how it is going, please ask. If you feel like this is something that God has asked you to give up as well, please share it with me. If you need prayer for the same thing, please let me know.

How do you start off your mornings? 

I normally start my mornings off by waking up our youngest daugther to get ready for school, then proceed to check on our bunnies, fix her lunch, send her off and go on with my day. Today was not that way, by any stretch of the imagination. 

Let me set up the scenario. Currently we have 13, yes I said 13, bunnies. We have the mom and dad, along with 4 bunnies from her second litter and 7 from her current litter. We have not intentionally kept the 4 older ones. We had a plan for them and it fell through. 

Anyway, 8 of the bunnies are right outside of our daughters room and 4 are outside in the garage. I always make sure the ones by her room have food and water then proceed to check on the 4 in the garage. Well, I keep the garage door open a little so that air will flow through. This morning when I went to check on them, I noticed that one of the doors on the cage was off and there was only 1 left in the cage. Let me tell ya, if you want to trigger a kiddo that loves her bunnies, let her know that 3 of them have escaped just before you have to send her to school. I looked around in the garage to see if they were still inside, of course they weren’t. I saw something move outside the garage. It was one of the bunnies. I was able to catch that one with ease. The other 2, not so much. They gave me a run for my money! It’s not so awesome to chase them around the yard. At least they were decent enough to stay close to the house. I did finally catch all of them, safe and sound. 

I say all of this to say that sometimes life is not what we plan. I had planned to spend my morning calmly checking on our sweet bunnies, not knowing that I would wake up and find 3 of them missing. Life always throws us for a loop. We can have our day planned out, everything in order, and then it can turn to chaos quickly.

I would say that my perfect plan in life is to start my morning by getting up before everyone in the house, do my devotional while drinking my coffee, then go onto wake up the house and get everyone out the door. I have only been able to accomplish this maybe 2 times. However, just because I have not been able to accomplish this, doesn’t mean that my life is falling apart. I simply have to adapt and modify, that is a whole other story.

Adapt and modify, it sounds so simple. It used to be simple for me. Over the couse of the last few years, it has been anything but simple. I used to be a fly by the seat of the pants kind of person. One that could work under the pressure of plans being changed at the last moment. But then things changed. I hit a place in my life where I expected things to be one way and then there was a quick change that I hadn’t planned on. I found myself feeling left out and unwanted, hurt and frazzled. I found myself in tears most of the time. Then it went from tears to extreme anger, sometimes even rage. When it first started happening I was shocked. That’s not me. Where the heck did that come from? As time went on, I found myself getting worse and worse. My tears never stopped. My fits of anger and rage came out more and more. I started having suicidal thoughts. I sank deeper and deeper. I began to live into the lies that satan was telling me (people would be better off if I weren’t here, your family doesn’t need you, you don’t have a voice anyway so why be here, no one loves you and the ones that do have already died, so just join them).

I finally went to the doctor and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I was put on medication to help with the symptoms but they didn’t help with the root of the problem. With the help of medication, essential oils and the counsel of some wise people, I have been able to get to the root of the problem and start to work on my total healing. 

My tears are not as frequent, my fits of rage and anger are few and far between. My battle with my mind is constant but I am winning more and more. God has done a major work in my life and if it weren’t for Him, I would not be sitting here typing this blog. He ministered to me through the prayers of others, through the tears and hugs of those that love me most, through the worship music that I listened to and through His Word. 

We have a choice in life. We can choose to be free from the junk that weighs us down, or we can let it hold us down until we drown from it. We can choose to listen to crap music or we can listen to music that lifts us up and allows us to worship the one true God. We can dwell on the lies being fed to us or we can fight to hear God through the noise and believe who we are in Him. We can choose to focus on us or we can choose to focus on Christ. We can choose to chase after God, like I chased after those crazy bunnies, or we can  choose to live into the lies that satan is telling us. Keep in mind that satan is a defeated foe that wants us to lived defeated as well. 

Jeremiah 29:13 states “You will seek me and find me when you search for me with all your heart”. I choose to chase after God with all of my heart and allow Him to do His mighty work in and through me rather than living into the lies. I choose to wake up everyday expecting to hear from Him. I choose to focus on who He is rather than who I am. 

October 20th, a day that I will never forget.

Why will I never forget that day? Because what happened that day changed my life. It changed the way I look at things, the way that I process things, and the way that I think about my future.

I had an appointment that day for something that I had been planning for a bit.

I went in and waited for my name to be called. After what seemed like an eternity, they finally called it. I followed the person to the office that my appointment was to take place in. I sat down on one side of the desk while someone else sat on the other side of it. There was a computer screen separating us. I sat there as the person talked. I didn’t hear a word the person was saying. What did I hear? I heard Charlie Brown’s teachers voice. You know what I’m talking about (just in case you don’t, here is a link to hear it – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q_BU5hR9gXE). I would nod my head and say ok from time to time, just enough to give the appearance that I was paying attention. When I heard them ask if I had any questions, I simply said no and scheduled another appointment. I walked out of that office and drove the 20 minutes home. Alone. In silence.

I had 48 hours to sit at home and think about what was going to happen at the end of that time. I didn’t sleep. I was constantly thinking, wondering, worrying, crying, and getting angry. I fought with myself. I tried to fill the time with movies, and coloring. I watched the sun set, then rise again, then set, and rise again. When the sun rose that last day, there were only a few hours left until my life would change dramatically. The ride to my appointment was hands down the longest yet fastest ride ever. I checked in and again waited for my name to be called. Finally, it was called. I got up and followed a woman to another room. There, I was handed a gown and told to change into it. I changed and waited again. Then something strange happened. As I was sitting in that room, God distinctly said to me “get down, get dressed, and leave”. It was clear as day and unmistakable. I didn’t listen. The woman came and got me to take me to another room. I walked in the room and was instructed to lay down on the table. The nurse left and I was left to lay on the table all by myself. Again, while on the table in this room, God said the same thing to me again, “get down, get dressed, and leave”. I chose to ignore Him. He said it to me one more time and I ignored Him again. I stayed on that table and waited. During that time, I looked around the room. I noticed the ultrasound machine, the tray with the instruments on it, the door at the foot of the table, and the poster of Hawaii that was strategically placed on the ceiling of the room.

Then I heard the door behind me open. A “nurse” walked into the room and stayed at the head of the table. This was followed by the opening of the door at the foot of the table. A “doctor” walked through that door. His face was covered the entire time, you could only see his eyes. He never said a word to me. The nurse told me to put my feet into the stirrups. I positioned myself on that table the way that I was instructed to. This was followed up by her describing what the doctor was doing. She told me to focus on the poster and that I would feel him place an instrument in me to open me up, followed by the insertion of a “rod” to open my cervix. Let me tell you, nothing and I mean nothing, had prepared me for what I was feeling at that moment. The pain that I was experiencing at that moment was unbearable. The sounds, oh my word the sounds, that were being made by the machine were awful. The nurse stayed by my head and kept telling me to “focus on the poster”, “that I was doing a good job”, “he’s almost done”, and “breathe”. I did what she said. It didn’t help me. I couldn’t focus on the poster and I wasn’t doing a good job. I was trying to breathe through my tears. The one thing that she was right about was that he was almost done.

Once he was done, he got up and left the room the same way that he had entered it. Never saying anything. After laying there for a couple of minutes, the nurse had me sit up on the edge of the table for a couple of more minutes. While sitting on the edge of that table I looked around the room again. I looked at the door the doctor came and went through. I saw the ultrasound machine again (this time in a different light), and then the tray with the instruments on it. When I saw that tray, my stomach turned and the reality of what I had just done smacked me hard. Those instruments were no longer silver, they were stained red, with blood. I quickly turned away. I was so ridden with guilt and shame at that moment. I couldn’t believe what I had just done. The nurse then led me to another room.

I will never forget this room.

It was a room of recliners. In a circle. With other women sitting in them. Women that had just done the same thing that I had done. Women who were laughing and planning and talking about what they were going to do when they left there. I sat down in one of the recliners and simply watched and listened to what was going on around me. I didn’t say anything. I just sat there, with tears streaming down my face, listening and watching. When my allotted time was up, I was instructed to go pee and then led back to the room where my clothes were so that I could change back into them and leave.

I cannot tell you how long I was there. I cannot tell you the names of anyone that was there. I don’t remember their faces. I do however remember the sights, sounds, and smells of that day. I do remember the anxiousness that I felt walking in there that day. I do remember the hopelessness and fear that I walked out of there with. I do remember the thoughts I was having, the loneliness I was feeling, and the hurt that started that day.

The days I just described were not October 20-22, 2018. The days that I described were October 20-22, 1992. Yes. That’s correct. 27 years ago. 27 years ago, I had an abortion.

I was 19 years old. I was raised in the church. I knew from the tips of my toes to the top of my head that abortion was wrong. I had also said that I would never have one. Yet when the situation presented itself, I did. I am not proud of this decision. I have made some bad decisions in my life, but I can tell you that this decision single-handedly destroyed me. I had shattered my own dreams. I had gone through with something that I never wanted to do because I selfish.

Why am I sharing this with you now? I’m sharing it because it’s time. It’s time for women who have had abortions and know the harm that it does to us mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, to stand for life. It’s time for us as Christians, who have had one to heal from this hurt, to learn that we did not commit the one unpardonable sin, that we are still God’s children and that He can forgive and redeem us. I’m sharing it because I’m freaking sick and tired of living in a hopeless world that celebrates the demise of others. Not just the baby but the mothers as well. It’s time for those of us who have always been pro-life but found ourselves in less than desirable situations to share our stories. It’s time for those of us who have been healed and have experienced the freedom of God to offer the hope that we now have with others so that they may be able to find that same hope as well!

Life is full of choices. We have to make choices every. single. day. of. our. life. I want to challenge you to think about the choices you have made in your life and how they affect you. Think about how you would react if you knew the stories of those around you.

One thing that God has called me to is transparency. Do you have any idea how hard it is to be transparent in todays world? Now, tell me, do you have any idea how hard it is to be transparent as a pastor’s wife in today’s world? Well this is me being transparent. Take it or leave it. Hate me or love me. I’m going to be obedient. If this post offends you, I’m so sorry. If this post causes you to hate me, then so be it. If this post causes you to sit back and reflect on an abortion decision you have made in your life, and you are ready to heal from that decision and gain freedom from the hold that it has on you, please reach out. I have resources that I can point you to.

I am not your typical pastor’s wife. I am Christina, first and foremost a child of God. I am a woman who has made, is making, and will continue to make mistakes. I, just like you have a story, one that is ugly, riddled with times of happiness, sadness, anger, frustrations, mistakes, and successes. I don’t hide who I am. My life is an open book, one that is to be read.

My hope is that by sharing my story it lets you to know my heart and the reason that I work where I work and why I do what I do. I hope that by sharing my story, you will see that there is hope and that you can have that hope as well. I hope it allows you to see the redemption of God in my life.

Just to clarify I am Pro-Life.

I believe that every single life is important.

I believe that we are ALL created in God’s image.

I believe that we are to give a voice to the voiceless, the babies that moms are pregnant with and considering abortion AND the moms who have had an abortion in their past and are carrying around the weight of the shame, guilt, fear, and sadness of what they have done.

I believe that we are ALL called to love God and love others.

I believe that we are all called to live loved!

Reading. 

It’s something that we all have to do every day. We have to read street signs, contracts, menus, or books. Some people enjoy reading, some loathe it, and some simply do it because they have to. 

This may come as a shock for some but I absolutely do not like reading. I have never been good at it. I’m a little slow at it. My ability to retain information by reading is almost non-existent. My reading level appears to be about that of the average 7^thgrader. 

I have a stack of books that I need and want to read. I have Bible studies that I want to do. I want so much to be a well-educated person. I want nothing other than to be able to recall the information that I have read and apply it to my life or share it with a friend. I want to be a reader, I truly do. I am trying and maybe one day I will get there. Until then I will do the best that I can. 

Just before my husband, our youngest daughter, and myself went out of town for a month, I had coffee with a very dear friend of mine. At that time, she handed me a gift bag with 2 books in it. One was an amazing journal and the other was a book titled The Choice. I had wanted to read and write while away. I hadn’t chosen a book to read just yet so this was perfect. She shared with me that the book had spoken to her and she wanted me to have a copy of it. I chose to take them both with me and promised myself that I would have the book read by the time we got back home, and I did. 

The Choice was written by Dr. Edith Eva Eger, a Holocaust survivor. The book is about how her family was captured by the Nazis, about how what she and her sister had to endure. It’s about survival, new life, and healing. The book is amazing! I cannot imagine the horrors that she encountered. I cannot fathom watching hundreds of people die around me daily. The sights, smells, and emotions that she had to endure were more than a person should ever have to go through. She survived it all. Not without scars, both emotionally and physically. Once she was liberated, she had new issues to deal with. Once someone goes through what she went through, it is hard to bounce back. However, she did it. She worked through the crap and came out better for it on the other side. She eventually did heal from the junk and she went on to share her story in this book. 

I have not been through anything that even remotely compares to what she went through. I have no idea how I would have been going through what she did. I can’t even begin to think of how long it took her to get the place where healing from her past even crossed her mind. And that healing journey, wow, that healing journey. Her story is AMAZING. I would highly recommend this book to everyone. It is a great, personal testimony of how she went from deaths door to receiving healing so that she could go on to help others heal. 

I say all of that to say that, this book has helped me tremendously. It has helped me to see my life in a different light, to not focus on my problems, and myself but to be healed so that I can help others get the healing that they need. I am not the healer, but I know the Healer. I am not a highly educated, book smart, woman. I am a simple woman who God has called to help others. The thing that I have learned in my life is that you cannot help people heal unless you have been healed first. You cannot help people overcome unless you have overcome first. You cannot lead people through things that you have not been through yourself. 

We all have a choice. We can choose to let our pasts define us, or get healing from our past so that we can help others. We can choose to stay in our sin life, or we can repent of our sins, and walk in the way we are supposed to. We can choose to be obedient to the calling on our lives or we can choose to run from that calling. 

I have allowed my past to define me. I have also gotten healing from my past. It no longer defines me. It no longer has a grip on me. I have repented of my sins and am trying to walk out my life in a way that is worth imitating. I am trying to be obedient to my calling. I am not running from it but I am not walking fully in it either. I am trying. 

I have made my share of good and bad choices, just like you have. I have my good traits and I have my bad ones. I am human. I am a broken vessel that is allowing God to put back together into a beautiful mosaic. 

I would love to tell you that He is done with me, however He is not. I am work in progress, just like you. I am a hot mess of a mom, wife, and friend. I have daily battles with my mind. I struggle to know my worth but I choose to listen to what God says about me rather than what the world says about me. 

We have to make choices every.single.day. We have to! If we don’t chose then we will walk through life aimlessly. 

Make wise choices. 

Ones that will make a difference.  Ones that will change the world.

I love storms! They are beautiful, majestic, mesmerizing, and frightening all at the same time. The beauty of the lightening, the rumble of the thunder, the sound and smell of the rain. The amazing sight of a beautiful, terrifying tornado. The beauty of the amazing clouds. What’s better than that? I say the rainbow following the storms. 

I have not always been that way. When I was younger, I was petrified of storms. I hated them. The unknown of what the storm would do or how bad it would be. The fear of lightening and the loudness of the thunder always had me on guard. Thankfully, I have outgrown those fears.

The storms of life I don’t so much enjoy. They suck greatly bad!

We all have our storms. We all have the way that we react to our storms as well. Believe me, we as Christians, are being watched when it comes to the reaction we have to the storms in our lives.

The season of life that I am in is an exceptionally stormy one. Over the last few years, it has felt as if the storms simply keep rolling in, one after another, after another. It feels as if they are never going to let up. There have been so many changes in my life in the recent past. I have not always responded to them in the best way possible. Other times, I have responded to them in the only way I knew how. And yet other times, I have not responded to them at all. I have simply defaulted back to my fight, flight, or freeze response. My response depends on the type of storm that is happening in my life at the moment.

I have had many, many storms come my way. Once they started rolling in, they didn’t let up. My response with my first storm was to simply live in it. With each one that rolled in after that, my responses were different. Eventually, I got to the point where I would no longer fight. I started wanting to give into the flight part in me but reverted back to the freeze part. When I freeze, I shut down. When I shut down, I’m done. I’m done with people, with situations, with all the crap. Just done! (BTW being in the people business, this is not a good thing.)

I wish I responded to each storm the way that God would have me respond. I wish that I could say that I “let go and let God’. I wish that I was a better person than I am, but I am not. I’m still growing in my faith. I’m still trying to trust people. I’m still trying to figure this crazy thing called life out and my purpose and place in it. 

I am reminded of the story of Jesus on the boat with the disciples in Mark 4:35-40:

“On that day, when evening had come, He told them, “Let’s cross over to the other side of the sea.” So they left the crowd and took Him along since He was already in the boat. And other boats were with Him. A fierce windstorm arose, and the waves were breaking over the boat, so that the boat was already being swamped. But He was in the stern, sleeping on the cushion. So they woke Him up and said to Him, “Teacher! Don’t You care that we’re going to die?”He got up, rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, “Silence! Be still!” The wind ceased, and there was a great calm. Then He said to them, “Why are you fearful? Do you still have no faith?”

There are always going to be storms in our lives. Sometimes we can see them coming, other times they come out of nowhere. Our responses to those storms are how the world will remember us. I promise you that the times that I have responded to the storms in my life in the worse possible way, are the ones that people will remember. You know why? Because those responses are the ones that leave behind the largest path of destruction. I am tired of leaving a path of destruction. I want to leave people better, not worse. I want them to remember me for responding to things the way that God would have me respond to them. I don’t want to question why I am going through that particular storm at the moment, but to have faith that God will bring me through it. That He will calm the seas and the skies. That He will provide the beautiful rainbow in the end. 

2019: the year of living Loved

Loved.

I have been given the word “loved” for 2019. It is something that I am fighting to truly know and understand. What does it mean to be loved? What does it mean to truly understand love? How do we know we are loved? Who loves us and how do we know that they truly do?

Being loved and knowing that I am truly loved is something that I have struggled with my entire life. It is something that has eluded me until the last few years but still struggle with because of my past. I know that my past does not define me, but it has molded and shaped me into who I am today.

I, just like you, am human. As humans, we are completely fallible and the mistakes that we have made tend to replay over and over in our minds. The hurts that others have caused us are hurts that stick with us and are hard for us to overcome. Words that are spoken to us and over us lead us to believe that that is who we are. Hurts we have caused others and words that we have said, replay in our heads, wishing we could take them back.

Growing up, I had many things spoken over me and to me. I struggled with who I was. My life circumstances caused me to fight with feeling loved. I had so many questions I wanted to ask. Things haven’t changed. Those words still haunt me. The things that happened to me can’t be undone. The questions will never be answered. The only thing that has changed is me.

I have changed.

I am still Christina. The Christina that God knew before I was formed in the womb. The same Christina that God was with, and is still with, in the midst of this crazy thing called my life. The same Christina that God has called to Himself. The same person He is working on continuously to refine and mold into who I am in Him, not who the world says I am.

I learned a long time ago that I will be disappointed by people and that I will disappoint them. That I will have people hurt me and not care that they did. That I have hurt people and not cared. I have had people in my life leave me and there have been people in my life that I have left. That the love of humans will never fully satisfy me.

Not until the last few months have I overcome some of these. This past year taught me many valuable lessons. I learned is that no matter what happens, I will never ever be alone. That I will always be wanted. I will always have a place to express my frustrations, my anger, my hurt, and my pain. I will always be comforted when I need it. But the most important one is that I will always be loved. The only thing is, I have learned that these things will not come from people, but from God alone.

When no one is around and I feel lonely, I am loved. When people in my life make mistakes that cut me deeply and hurt like crap, I am loved. When I mess up as a mom and wife and feel unworthy, I am still loved. When things don’t go like I had planned and I feel overwhelmed, I am still loved. When I am fearful and don’t understand what is going on, I am loved. When I deal with sudden onset anxiety that presents in anger and am immediately regretful, I am still loved. Knowing that God loves me, no matter what, has helped me tremendously.

The thing that I am looking forward to in 2019 is living loved. My prayer is that in living loved I will be able to love more. To love freely, wholeheartedly and to fall back in love with the things of God that I have fallen out of love with.

How many of you have been fearful? 

If you are anything like me, you have been fearful at some point in time. You’re afraid of losing a loved one, or a pet. You’re afraid of something happening to you. You’re afraid of losing your job, of being alone, of not being liked/loved, of people turning on you. Maybe, much like me, you live in fear of simply living life.

I have been fearful so many times in life. When I was young, I was afraid of losing everyone in my life to death. Where did this fear stem from? It came from the death of my mom at a young age. I was afraid of being abused when I got older. Where did that fear stem from? It came from the abuse I suffered. I was afraid of never finding a husband. Where did that fear come from? It came from the fact that I was overweight and not pretty. It was enforced when guys in high school didn’t have any interest in me. I was afraid of never being a mom because of a decision I made when I was 19. I was afraid of being abandoned. Where did this come from? It came from being abandoned numerous times, by friends, by my husband, by my kids, by people in the church. I have been afraid to have people in my home. Where did this fear come from? It came from an incident that happened in my home. I am currently struggling with the fear that I will respond to a situation in anger. Why? Because my anxiety presents in extreme anger. 

These are just a few fears that I have crept into my life. They have all been paralyzing. They caused me to not live life to the fullest because I went into protection mode. I threw up walls to keep me from getting hurt that way again. I wouldn’t talk to people about these things because of the fear of being judged. I hardened my heart to people so that I couldn’t be hurt the same way again. I closed off my home to people to coming into it so I wouldn’t have to be on guard. 

Are we supposed to live a life of fear? Or are we to live a life fearlessly? Do we need to harden our hearts or build up walls? Or are we to keep our hearts softened and simply build a fence (a fence you can see through and people can still see in but allows us to keep people out of our “yard” who shouldn’t be there)? 

2 Timothy 1:7 says that we were not given a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-control. 

Power, love, and self-control.

Power – We have the power to choose if we live a life of fear or to live the life God called us to. We have the power to choose love or hate. We have the power to build a wall around our hearts or simply build a fence.

Love – Love is an amazing thing. Merriam-Webster has 4 different definitions of love. Here is what the 4^thdefinition is:  

Unselfish loyal and benevolent (see benevolent 1a) concern for the good of another: such as  

(1):the fatherly concern of God for humankind  

(2):brotherly concern for others 

B:a person’s adoration of God.

For those of us who have experienced God’s love, we can love those around us. We have to remember this type of love, not the way that the world defines love.

Self-control – The hardest thing to do is exercise self-control. We have to control our responses and ourselves in order to live the life we are called to. If we have no self-control, we will give into every whim we feel like. Why do affairs happen? Lack of self-control. Why do people murder? Lack of self-control. 

Choose this day to live a life of power, love, and self-control. One that is good and pleasing to the Lord. A life that is worth imitating. 

While I still struggle with fear, I am seeing little glimpses of hope and healing in the midst of it. We are all human; yes even the pastor and his entire family, and every human struggles with fear of something. How we respond and react to that fear is the most important thing. We can choose to work through and overcome it or we can allow it to paralyze us. 

Choose wisely! 

So long 2018!

Never in my life have I ever been so thankful for a year to end. 2018 was by far the hardest, most painful year we have ever experienced as a family. I have felt pain, many different types and different levels of pain throughout my life. Yet 2018 brought pains in ways that I have never felt, and to be quite frank, I hope I don’t ever have to feel again.

2018 was a year filled with sadness, depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, hopelessness and fear, changes in relationships, along with another kiddo leaving the house, and hurts that were unimaginable, not to mention the amount of issues we were experiencing with our vehicles.

I knew that I could not change what was going on externally. The things going on with my family, the church, and with friends, even with our cars, were all out of my control. I would like to say that I was able to control the things that were going on inside of me, and I can say “yes I could” to some of it, but unfortunately not all. I wish that I could say that I was able to handle everything that was hitting me throughout the year with mercy and grace, kindness and gentleness, and without losing my witness. It is with great regret that I have to say that none of that held true. I lost my witness, numerous times. Jealousy reared its ugly head more times than I care to count. Anger was a constant for me. Those who know me, know that I don’t cuss, but I sure slipped up in my fits of anger and let the words come flying out. I personally did a lot of damage to those around me because of how bad I was hurting. The adage of hurting people hurt people held true. I hate that I hurt so many around me.

I struggled with being a pastor’s wife, a mom to 3 kids in 3 different phases of life, a friend, and an employee. I struggled trying to hold on to the little glimmers of hope that I had, of not knowing how, or even if, I fit in. I struggled with feeling loved at home, at church, and with my friends. I have struggled with these things in past, just not on the same level. I struggled trying to hold on to the simple truths, to keep my head above water. My faith in the Lord never wavered. I did struggle with staying consistent in my Bible reading and in enjoying church. I did not struggle with praying and worshiping God at home. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that God had me. I knew that He knew before I was born that I would be going through everything that I was going through. He knew how I would respond to everything. He knew that if it weren’t for my faith in Him that I wouldn’t have survived. He also knew that I would give Him the glory for the way things turned out, that I would testify about how He saved me from myself and carried me through the horrible season I was in during 2018.

Yes, the majority of 2018 sucked greatly bad. However, not all of it sucked. Many things went well. When I sit back and reflect on 2018, I see great things that happened. My relationship with my husband grew so much stronger over the year (it is amazing how God works during the hard times to draw you closer to your spouse). God saved me from myself and gave my doctor the wisdom needed to help me with my depression and anxiety (my depression and anxiety were due to a chemical imbalance in my brain and with the help of medication I am in a much better place). My husband and I celebrated 25 years of marriage in July. Old friendships were renewed, new friendships were made. We were able to travel and get away for an extended amount of time to help heal our hearts, souls, and minds. Great things happened with my job. Hope was found again.

There were so many good things that happened, and God was in the midst of it. A single verse and a passage of Scripture carried me through the year. They are not new to me. Romans 15:13 states “Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you believe so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit”. The passage of Scripture speaks directly to my favorite topic, which is testimonies. 1 Peter 3:14-17 “But even if you should suffer for righteousness, you are blessed. Do not fear what they fear or be intimidated, but in your hearts regard Christ the Lord as holy, ready at any time to give a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you. Yet do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that when you are accused, those who disparage your good conduct in Christ will be put to shame. For it is better to suffer for doing good, if that should be God’s will, than for doing evil”. God gave me hope throughout 2018 because He is the God of hope. He knew that I was going to need Him. He also placed the right people in my life to pray for me so that I would remember the hope that I have in Him. God knew everything that I would be going through, and He knew the outcome of my situations. This allowed me to know that everything that I was going through would be used for His glory.

There are so many people that are struggling with mental health issues and they don’t want to talk about them because of the stigma that surrounds them. Being called to be transparent is extremely hard, especially being a pastor’s wife. I won’t go into the graphic details of what was going on inside my head throughout 2018. However, I will share that it was U.G.L.Y. No one should ever have the thoughts I was having, but we do. I’m no different from you. I struggle with not having pure thoughts. I struggle with suicidal thoughts and crazy high anxiety. I am on medication to help with that. Again, this is not my first rodeo with meds for mental illness. I know that God heals. I have seen it happen. I have the faith that He will heal me but until He chooses to do so, I will take the medication prescribed to me and I will take it faithfully. God gave my doctor the smarts to be a doctor and know how to treat my issues. Moral of the story and to give a small glimmer of hope to those of you who are reading this, is this: God is good, and He is faithful. He knows exactly what is going on with us even when we do not. He has given doctors the ability to help us when we need it. Don’t be afraid to speak out about your battle with mental health. Don’t be worried about being judged by people. They are not walking in your shoes, battling your battle.

No matter who you are, stay at home mom, a CEO of a corporation, a construction worker, a waitress, or a pastor’s wife, mental illness can affect you. Please know that you are not alone. Please know that you are wanted, needed, loved, and appreciated.

2018 does not define me. 2018 made me a heck of a lot stronger because of everything that I went through. I didn’t lose my identity in the midst of the year, although Satan was really hoping that I would. I didn’t carry out the suicidal plans that I had made. I didn’t lose the battle with mental illness. I didn’t lose faith in humanity (even though I was close). I won the battles because of Christ and Christ alone!

Hey all! My name is Christina Williams. I am a mother of 3, wife of a pastor, and employee at an amazing pregnancy center. I love to bake and am ok at cooking :). The beach, preferably the panhandle of Florida, has my heart. 

I’m not sure about you, but I know that being a pastors wife is not for the faint of heart. However, I do love it. As you can tell by the title of the blog, I am not your typical pastors wife. My life is an open book. I don’t hide the bad, I don’t only show the good. I am me, the way that the world shaped me and the way that God made me. I love people and I struggle with the same things that they struggle with. 

We all have a testimony, all of us. Testimonies are powerful. They help others to see that they are not alone. They show the world how we overcame situations that presented themselves in our lives and how we chose to handle them. I hope that by reading this blog that my testimony will help you all to see that it is ok to not be ok and that pastors, and their families, are normal, broken vessels, who God uses to deliver His messages. 

Thanks for reading my blog!

I want to share just a little bit about me so that you know where I have come from.

I was born in June of 1973 on Columbus Air Force Base in Columbus, Mississippi. I am the oldest of 5 (1 true biolgical brother, a half-sister on my mom’s side, and 2 half-brothers on my dad’s side). My childhood was different, on many levels. In April of 1977, by mom passed away following the birth of my half-sister. My brother and I were sent to live with our great-aunt and great-uncle. 

In July of 1993, my husband and I got married at the local courthouse by the justice of the peace. July of this year, we celebrated our 25th anniversary. It has not been an easy road but it has been worth it.

We have since had 3 children and 1 miscarriage. We have lived in 3 different houses in 2 different cities. We have owned several dogs, and are now the proud parents of rabbits! 

My husband has not always been a pastor. He became a Christian about 17 years ago and was called into ministry 13 years ago. I, on the otherhand, did not beome a Christian until about 10 and a half years ago. My husband was already in ministry, preparing to go full-time when I actually got saved.

I am not a polished, poised pastors wife. I am a hot mess of a person, who God has saved from herself numerous times. I have a couple of tatoos and a couple of extra piercings. I cannot lead worship. I cannot play an instrument. I don’t have much to offer people other than prayer. I struggle to make and keep friends. I struggle finding my niche. I love to have fun but at the same time have struggled with anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts. I had an 18 month long battle with post-partum depression following the birth of our youngest child. I am human, broken and scarred, trying to live out the life that God has for me.

Like I said earlier, I am not your typical pastors wife. My hope is that as others read this blog that they will know that they are not alone and that it is ok to talk about what they have been through and dream about where they are going.