I do not know all that much about my ancestry and to be frank, I truly do not care to. It would not change who I am anyway.
I do know this though:
July 3rd, 1952.
This date is an important date in my life.
July 4th, 2005.
Another important date in my life.
If it were not for the first date, I would not be here. You see, that is the day that my biological dad was born.
If it were not for the second date, I would not be typing this.
I did not have the privilege of being raised by him. I do not know the details as to why. I have heard stories but must take them with a grain of salt. I do not know what to believe and frankly I do not care. Again, if I knew why it would not change who I am.
I do know this. I did get to see my dad growing up. I do know that I loved going to his house and spending time with him. I know that cared for me greatly and treated me like a princess. Being his only daughter, I truly felt his love for me. Like an indescribable love that I have never felt since. One that I will never feel again.
You see July 4th, 2005, around 9:00 in the morning, the phone rang, and I answered it. It was my brother, Jeremy. I heard his voice simply say the words “He’s gone, daddy’s gone.” I remember screaming a scream I have never screamed before or since. One that I hope I will never do again. At that very instance my life came to a standstill. My mind was racing, what do you mean he’s gone? I just saw him. We just celebrated his 53rd birthday. He cannot be gone!! He just cannot be.
My.world.was.shattered.
Here I sit, July 3rd, 2020 missing my dad just as much as I missed him that day. I type this with tears in my eyes. They sting just as hard now as they did then.
I dread waking up in the morning. I dread the emotions that come with tomorrow. I struggle with July 4th just as hard today as I have the previous 14 years.
I try to put on a good front. I try to carry on like everything is fine. But it is not. It simply is not. I wish it were, but it is not.
I miss my dad. I miss him so freakin much. I miss his hugs. I miss the butterfly kisses. I miss everything about him.
I am so extremely thankful that he was a believer. That helps to dull the pain, but it does not take it away.
One day it will not hurt as bad. One day. However today is not that day.
Tomorrow, I have the privilege to be with my family. I have the privilege to hang out with Keith and Kyndal and Jaxon and meet her parents. I get to hang out with Peyton, Carson and 2 amazing little guys that Carson’s mom has custody of. I get to hang out with my mother in law, Larry, and Sami. Tomorrow, I get to watch as my family shoots fireworks and eats until their hearts content!
Life goes on, no matter how hard I want it to stand still.
Do not get me wrong, I love my life. I just miss my dad.
2020 has been such an insane year. I am praying that July 4th, 2020 will not be. I am praying that tomorrow remains calm, that nothing big happens, and that I make it through the day with no tears or crazy out of hand emotions.
Happy 4th everyone
Not Your Typical Pastors Wife 